Throughout the ages we humans have been enchanted by the idea that somewhere, out there, is another person who completes us. Someone who fits the contours of our mind and soul as snugly as a favorite shoe.
This idea goes at least as far back as far as Plato’s “Symposium” and continues today in the form of romantic Hollywood films and “big bang” theories of how we were, at the dawn of time, fused with a fellow soul in a lump of primordial matter that has since been blasted asunder.
It seems the appeal of having another “half” is rooted deeply in our DNA somewhere. It’s easy enough to dismiss the belief of soulmates as sentimental or even dangerous – but how do you explain its powerful, near-universal pull?
Our brains have the remarkable ability to believe in something just because it makes sense and “feels” right to us.
We’ve all heard of that couple who instantly connected on their first meeting, who “knew” without a shadow of a doubt they had met their soulmate. Never mind the examples that end in divorce or breakup; we focus on the ones who are still happily together, wondering if such a thing is possible for us and whether it’s too late.
Before we answer the question of whether soulmates exist, it’s worth understanding what the idea of soulmates says about us and our own beliefs about happiness and fulfillment.
Soulmates: Fact or Fantasy?
The existential struggle with feeling alone in the world and in need of being seen and understood is very real. So is the powerful phenomenon of falling in love and even to an extent, chemistry. Perhaps it’s these factors that underpin the enduring appeal of soulmates.
The risky thing about believing in soulmates comes from a broader problem we humans struggle with: our brains have the remarkable ability to believe in something just because it makes sense and “feels” right to us.
In the case of soulmates, we feel the (very real) need for love, sex, fulfillment, companionship, belonging, stimulation, and comfort, and thus we are able to imagine a solution to all of those needs in the form of an “all-inclusive” package: an ideal companion, hand-picked just for us.
The enduring appeal of soulmates is compounded by the fact we live in an idealistic day and age that’s filled with more options (and people) than ever before. If someone we’re dating doesn’t turn out to be “the one”, we can keep hoping that the real deal will surface later on.
This kind of thinking can potentially become a snare for us, keeping us in a dream world that never materializes. In the words of economist Barry Schwartz, “The existence of multiple alternatives makes it easy for us to imagine alternatives that don’t exist.” 1
Perhaps the reality is not that soulmates don’t exist, but that they don’t exist in the way we typically think.
Do You Have a Destiny or Growth Mindset?
Literature over the ages is riddled with the notion of perfect, unchanging, predestined love. “Let me not to the marriage of true minds admit impediments,” Shakespeare writes in one of his most famous sonnets. “Love is not love which alters when it alteration finds.”
The prevailing sentiment here is, “True love and compatibility should never change. It emerges fully formed and stays that way.” That would make sense – if humans were static creatures who never changed. But we’re not.
In fact, we change so much throughout the course of our lives thanks to all the different experiences we have that one of the greatest ongoing metaphysical debates is whether we are even the same person at one time as we are at another.
This obviously makes things a bit more complicated when it comes to the idea of finding someone “just like us” – just like us at what point in time? Our alternative music-obsessed college-aged self? Our more practical-minded middle-aged self? All of our various (and sometimes conflicting) selves compiled together at the same time?
Change may be normal and constant, but it can also be disenchanting. Even our love and affinity for someone can change over time, just as trees and flowers wilt and bloom with the seasons.
But while we can’t stop ourselves (or others) from changing, we do have power over how we will change. And this is true for our relationships as well.
The renowned psychologist Carol Dweck has become something close to a household name thanks to her theory of “fixed mindset” versus “growth mindset.” Put simply, someone who has a fixed mindset believes that they are born with set, limited abilities and can’t become any better or different. On the other hand, someone with a growth mindset believes you can learn, improve, and evolve if you put your mind to it. 2
We can amend Dweck’s theory to believing in a “destiny mindset” versus a “growth mindset” when it comes to soulmates.
When you don’t believe your own efforts play a role in finding love and happiness, you open the floodgates for disappointment and disillusionment. Luck does play a role in our love lives, certainly, but if you believe that nothing is within your control you will see your life — and other people — through a much darker lens.
On the other hand, someone who believes they can create a soulmate through cultivating a great (but not perfect) relationship stands a much better chance of experiencing true fulfillment. When both of you are able to adapt and grow together you reach a new level of connection and security that’s far more powerful than any initial spark or chemical reaction.
But what about that couple who insists they were soulmates from the very beginning? The one who has grown old and gray together but who still fondly recalls those electric first moments like it was just yesterday?
First of all, there’s something to be said for rose-colored hindsight. There’s nothing wrong with some sentimental reflection, but our experiences in the present – good or bad – shape how we see the past. We tend to project our own experiences onto the world.
One thing that will help save your sanity along the way is to learn to not compare yourself (or your experiences) to others. One of the greatest mysteries of life is how different each of us is — including our preferences, our needs, and our worldviews.
So whenever you do discover and “create” your soulmate one day, your experience will be one that reflects you. You are not at the whims of destiny; like everyone else, you have the opportunity to find, stay, and fuse together with someone, provided they choose to do the same with you, too.
It Takes More Than One Person to “Fill” Us
There is something undeniably appealing about the idea that one person out there can meet all of our needs.
Luckily, this couldn’t be further from the truth.
Imagine how devastating it would be to put all your quality time, attention, and loyalty into a single individual, only to have them die unexpectedly one day, leaving you with no one to help fill the loss. It’s the social and emotional equivalent of storing all your eggs in one basket.
“One person, no matter how great, could surface only one side of me. Hanging out with different friends dilated my personality like a peacock fanning its tail.”
In reality, just as we are changing all the time, we are revealing and giving different pieces of ourselves to different people all the time. It would be an insult to ourselves and others to believe that any one person can perfectly fulfill us or anyone else.
The relationship expert Marisa Franco notes her own experience: “Even in my greatest romantic relationships, when I haven’t seen friends enough, I’ve felt my personality accordion inward. One person, no matter how great, could surface only one side of me. Hanging out with different friends dilated my personality like a peacock fanning its tail.” 3
The idea of a “one, true soulmate” immediately comes under fire as soon as we look at any case study in which someone, having lost a beloved partner, finds happiness in a relationship with someone new.
Most of us won’t have to experience this kind of loss and transformation, but all of us have met new people and made new friends who awakened and enlivened different aspects of our own being. The more time we spend with these different friends, the more potential they have to help us grow and develop further as individuals.
If soulmates exist, one could argue that there is more than one for each of us – just as our own souls are multifaceted. Rather than taking away from our primary relationship and our main “soulmate”, it enriches it even more deeply and makes us stronger, more secure, less needy, and more fulfilled people.
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