Almost 60 years before the discovery of neural pathways, the psychologist William James wrote about “grooves of habit” in the mind. In his Principles of Psychology, he urges:

“Could the young but realize how soon they will become mere walking bundles of habits, they would give more heed to their conduct while in the plastic state. We are spinning our own fates, good or evil, and never to be undone.”  ¹

Aristotle gives similar counsel in his Nicomachean Ethics: “It makes no small difference, then, whether one is habituated in this or that way straight from childhood, but a very great difference – or rather the whole difference.” ² (No pressure, of course).

Aristotle and James alike understood that habits form identity, which in turn determine the trajectory of our lives. Just as a weaver or seamster cannot easily undo his threading, neither can we easily undo the years of negative thinking, indecision, or eating too few vegetables. (Of course, you should also consider the opposite of this: years of quiet, virtuous life choices form a sturdy foundation that holds together even when life gets a bit unpredictable).

As with so many other things, habit-building involves a paradox: to successfully change yourself you must believe in yourself enough to see it through, and yet we are not all equally capable of every kind of habit or change. Self-control is a key part of forming habits, but self-control doesn’t work the same for everyone. This isn’t a truth most of us want to hear, especially if we’re used to an American, can-do expectation of “just set your mind to it.”

Luckily, the truth about self-control – and habits – is both encouraging and liberating.

“Trait” Self-control versus “State” Self-control

Psychologist Michael Inzlicht specializes in self-control, a word that he claims has become far too misunderstood. In his years of research, he’s discovered that there are two vitally different types: “trait” and “state.” ³

“Trait” self-control is deeply ingrained; the person who wakes up at 5 AM every morning to walk her dog through the woods before chopping her own firewood and cooking a giant breakfast is a classic example of this. Because these habits are deeply ingrained in her lifestyle, everyone sees her as “disciplined” and admirable.

“State” self-control is much more temporary and intensive. A common term is “willpower”; think of gritting your teeth as you stop yourself from making a snarky comment in an Internet forum. Or passing up an offer for a second piece of chocolate chiffon pie. The problem, Inzlicht says, is that people conflate the two: they assume that the person waking up early every day and chopping firewood is performing some sort of Herculean feat of grit and perseverance. It’s just not true.

In fact, Inzlicht and his colleagues were surprised in their studies to find that the opposite was true: people with “trait” self-control used less “state” self-control (willpower) than others when doing their tasks. The most reasonable conclusion is that this is because they didn’t need willpower; they didn’t mind abstaining from potato chips or studying for an algebra test as much as people without “trait” self-control. (This might explain why my dad is so cheerful at 6 AM; the coffee may help, or it may be a confounding variable).  

When we understand ourselves and our limitations we can identify our strengths and build habits that work within the parameters of our unique and mysterious DNA. 

But surely, you wonder, doesn’t willpower lead to developing self-control as a trait? And to some extent, it does. The first time any of us do a demanding activity will probably be the hardest. But we also don’t all experience dopamine and endorphins the same way, and while our neural circuitry is too complex to map out (yet), psychologists like Inzlicht are more and more convinced that self-control doesn’t work the same for all of us.

This is not an excuse to give up on trying to be a better, more fulfilled person though – just the opposite. Accepting the areas we’re limited in allows us to let go, pivot, and find areas that we’re strong in. It’s a reminder to listen to the Delphic oracle’s admonition to “know thyself”: you can feel free to ignore the retired drill sergeant who thinks you should make your bed every day if that approach does nothing for you, but you’re not off the hook for finding other habits or character traits that make you a more well-rounded human being.

When we understand ourselves and our limitations we can identify our strengths and build habits – and an identity – that work within the parameters of our unique and mysterious DNA. 

Our limits are the starting – not the ending – point 

Once we’ve realized the things we feel drawn to (and rewarded for) doing and made peace with the ones that don’t, we’re truly free to create ourselves – the best versions of ourselves. We can curate the “bundles of habits” that form our character and identity.

In this way, creating (and keeping) habits is very much a lifelong process of self-discovery. To use a personal example, for years I thought I needed to be a morning person. It seemed like every “successful” person rose before the sun in order to accomplish all the most important tasks for the day, and I was doomed to a life of mediocrity if I didn’t. But no amount of backup alarms, reward stickers, or Post-It notes made a difference; the only time I became a morning person by any stretch of the imagination was when I got a puppy who needed frequent bathroom breaks (luckily, she is no longer a morning person, either).  I’ve since made peace with the fact that I feel my best when I sleep until 8:30 AM. That’s still earlier than Gustave Flaubert and James Joyce.

The conventional way of thinking about habit-forming is to decide what you want to do first, and then do it. Consider instead observing yourself and the decisions you make, and what impact that has on your identity and long-term growth (or lack thereof). “I notice that I choose to read the news every day the minute I wake up; I’m a habitual newsreader.” That’s up to you to decide whether it’s good, bad, or neutral and whether a change is in order or not.

“Thinking and self-creating are inseparable.”

James Clear, the author and expert of Atomic Habits fame, describes habits and actions as “votes” for your preferred identity:

“Every action you take is a vote for the type of person you wish to become. No single instance will transform your beliefs, but as the votes build up, so does the evidence of your new identity.” ⁴

Note that it doesn’t matter if you vote consciously. Most of us vote unconsciously, only to look back years later with more than a twinge of regret. The easiest and most profound way you can create new habits and a new self is by simply paying attention to each moment, each action, each tiny piece of feedback. “You are the helmsman of your existence,” Nietzsche tells us, but we can’t steer the ship if we’re asleep.

“Thinking and self-creating are inseparable,” the psychologist and essayist Rollo May affirms:

“Human freedom involves our capacity to pause between stimulus and response and, in that pause, to choose the one response toward which we wish to throw our weight. The capacity to create ourselves, based upon this freedom, is inseparable from consciousness or self-awareness.” ⁵

It’s no easy matter to navigate the space between the determined parts of our personality and physique (including how much self-control we have), and the type of person we want to become. But as we pay attention to ourselves and learn about ourselves, the dance gets easier. You may ask, “What if I’m ‘not meant’ to do this thing I want so badly?” My response is that it’s a moot point: if you want something badly enough, you are probably capable of it. It’s hard to stay interested in something when the entire journey is uphill.

We may not be able to undo the past and unweave the entire bundle of habits that’s become us, but as long as we can draw breath and think clearly we continue to spin our own fates in the direction we wish.

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Read Next: How to Become Who You Are →

1. James, W. (2020). The principles of psychology. Interactive Media.
2. Aristotle. Nicomachean Ethics. Translated by Robert C. Bartlett and Susan D. Collins. University of Chicago Press, 2012.
3. Inzlicht, M., & Roberts, B. W. (2024). The fable of state self-control. Current Opinion in Psychology, 58, 101848. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.copsyc.2023.101848 You can read it here.
4. Clear, J. (2018). Atomic habits: An easy & proven way to build good habits & break bad ones. Avery.
5. May, R. (1994). The courage to create (Reprint ed.). W. W. Norton & Company.