I have vivid memories of watching the 2000 Summer Olympics as a kid.
One event in particular stands out: after a close competition against Russia, Romania’s female gymnastics team won gold. The finalists all stood on their respective podiums, smiling for the camera. But as they walked off the stand Russia’s star performer Svetlana Khorkina ripped her silver medal from her neck with a look of anger and disgust.
Her reaction never left my memory. How could someone who did so well, who’s still better than most of her competitors, be so upset?
Of course, if a large portion of your life is dedicated to a single, ambitious goal, it’s easy to feel disappointed when you fall short. That’s a different argument for a different day.
What I discovered that moment watching the Romanian and Russian gymnast teams was a principle that’s true for all of us: perspective can make all the difference with how happy we are (or aren’t).
Without discipline and drive, we’ll never win gold. But without gratitude and perspective, we’ll be unhappy even when we get silver.
In fact, researchers have documented that bronze medalists tend to be much more satisfied and content with their outcomes than silver medalists are.1It’s a simple shift in how they see things: “I almost didn’t medal, I’m so relieved” is quite a different view from, “I was this close, if only!”
Without discipline and drive, we’ll never win gold. But without gratitude and perspective, we’ll be unhappy even when we get silver.
How do we find that sweet spot in the middle?
Counterfactual Thinking: A Knife That Cuts Both Ways
Humans have the unique ability to think in counterfactuals.
In plain language, this means imagining alternative versions of the past: “What if I had gone to grad school after all?” “What if I had married Jamie instead of Tori?” “What if I had taken a gap year and gone backpacking through South America?”
We can imagine an alternative reality that will never be real since there’s only one actual reality – think about that for more than a few seconds, and you’ll start questioning every life decision you’ve ever made.
Counterfactual thinking is a double-edged sword because it allows us to think in abstract ways about the past and present so that we (hopefully) make better decisions in the future. It also leaves the backdoor wide open for regret, anxiety, and confusion.
There are two main types of counterfactual thinking: upward, and downward. Put simply, “upward” means focusing on how things could have been better (“I got a B on the test. I was hoping I’d get an A”), and “downward” means focusing on how they could have been worse (“At least I didn’t get a C”).
Most researchers tend to focus on how upward counterfactual thinking helps us improve as humans. If we don’t feel embarrassed by a terrible test result, why would we be motivated to try harder next time? Focusing on the “bright side” of failure means we’re more likely to keep up our old bad habits, like procrastination.2
Upward counterfactual thinking plays an important role in our personal development. The problem is when we confuse use cases: a school exam is a very different scenario from, say, a car accident. Or a sudden big change in the workplace. In situations where we have control, and where we’re supposed to be getting better all the time, it makes sense to focus on upward counterfactuals.
But what about when tragedy strikes?
What about when something completely random or unexpected occurs? Or what if, despite our very best efforts (like Svetlana Khorkina), the fates just won’t give us what we want?
This is the part that humans are bad at. This is where the power of downward counterfactual thinking shines.
The Importance of What Doesn’t Happen
It’s not natural for us, on a given “normal” day, to think about bad events that could have happened but didn’t.
This exercise doesn’t “teach” us anything new. It doesn’t necessarily help us survive another day to eat, breathe, and reproduce. It doesn’t appear to have much evolutionary value at all.
But it can make all the difference when it comes to both our mood and perspective. In just a matter of seconds, we can run multiple thought experiments, imagining ourselves to be paralyzed, widowed, terminally ill, bankrupt, imprisoned, homeless, or any other number of terrifying scenarios — and then gratefully realize that none of these things are the case.
We can hone this skill and adjust the dials by imagining events that are less awful, but still worse than our actual reality: having a worse job, having a worse credit score, having the complete body of our car wrecked instead of just the fender.
Research suggests that when terrible tragedy does strike, humans often invoke downward counterfactual thinking to cope. 3 How much more powerful would this ability of ours be if we practiced and honed it preemptively, all the time so that we could be that much more appreciative and in awe of how good our lives actually are?
“I have often thought it would be a blessing if each human being were stricken blind and deaf for a few days at some time during his early adult life.”
In her essay “Three Days Blind,” Helen Keller wrote, “I have often thought it would be a blessing if each human being were stricken blind and deaf for a few days at some time during his early adult life.”
Keller, who was struck blind and deaf at just nineteen months old herself, describes with more than a hint of wryness how a friend of hers – just recently returned from a walk in the woods – reported that she had seen “nothing in particular.”
“How was it possible to walk through the woods and see nothing worthy of note?” is Keller’s incredulous response. “I who cannot see find hundreds of things to interest me through mere touch. I feel the delicate symmetry of a leaf. I pass my hands lovingly about the smooth skin of a silver birch, or the rough, shaggy bark of a pine. In spring I touch the branches of trees hopefully in search of a bud, the first sign of awakening Nature after her winter’s sleep.”
If you are tempted to wave away the mental image of strolling through a birchwood forest, consider whether you’re at risk for failing to notice other particulars in your life.
Do you take your current status quo for granted? Do you ignore small details that could potentially make you happier, more grateful, more delighted, for at least a few moments?
We’re used to hearing words like “mindfulness” and “gratitude” bandied about, but it’s quite another thing to think about what they mean.
Sometimes you have to use new words, in blunt and dramatic ways. “Being grateful for your job,” is one thing. “Being grateful you haven’t been fired, incapacitated, or made to feel worthless like some other people are” brings your perspective to a whole new, more vivid level.
Err on the Side of Contentment
We return to our original question: how do we find the middle ground between trying to improve ourselves, and being okay with things as they are?
It would take a brave person to prescribe an exact formula. I certainly wish I had one. But we do have some clues.
Gratitude is a powerful source of well-being, for one thing. And downward counterfactual thinking is a fast track to the most creative kind of gratitude there is: gratitude not just for what we have and for what happens, but for what doesn’t happen. It’s not a natural skill, but it’s one you can develop over time.
Another clue lies in one study of counterfactual thinking in which the researchers came to this hypothesis along the way: being an optimistic person gives you the best of both worlds. You can use downward and upward counterfactuals to alternatively either be okay with a certain outcome or motivated to try better, based on what’s reasonably within your control. 4
Finally, we live in a culture (and arguably, a world) that’s obsessed with achievement. The need to keep moving, growing, climbing, and dominating is hardwired into our skulls.
But that tendency has started running into some problems in our modern era, now that most of us have our basic physical needs met. The potential for improvement is endless, and without any guardrails in place, it can be crushing and overwhelming as a life pursuit.
Most of us are probably motivated enough to do more and try better. What we need is a release valve that reminds us, “I’m okay, though. It could be better, but it could also be a billion times worse, and so this is okay.”
Sometimes not feeling the need to improve is the most powerful mindset shift of all.
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Footnotes
Medvec, V. H., Madey, S. F., & Gilovich, T. (1995). When less is more: Counterfactual thinking and satisfaction among Olympic medalists. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 69(4), 603–610. doi:10.1037/0022-3514.69.4.603- Sirois, F. M. (2004). Procrastination and counterfactual thinking: Avoiding what might have been. British Journal of Social Psychology, 43(2), 269-286. doi:10.1348/0144666041501660.
- White, K., & Lehman, D. R. (2005). Looking on the bright side: Downward counterfactual thinking in response to negative life events. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 31(10), Page numbers. doi:10.1177/0146167205276064.
- McMullen, M. N., Markman, K. D., & Gavanski, I. (January 1995). Living in neither the best nor worst of all possible worlds: Antecedents and consequences of upward and downward counterfactual thinking. Ohio University.