In 2013, Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton recorded the last of their many duets. The title was, “You Can’t Make Old Friends.”

The two had known each other for over 30 years and had performed and toured together in multiple countries. The song was a testament to the power of long-lived friendships like theirs. “When somebody knocks at the door, someone new walks in, I will smile and shake their hands, but you can’t make old friends,” Rogers sang.

There’s something almost mystical about the term, “old friends.”

It brings to mind the blurred faces of college or childhood pals who we may have lost touch with, but with whom we share a metaphorical paper trail of memories and inside jokes. We think of people we’ve met when we were younger who have since helped form us into who we are today.

No matter how many new people we shake hands with at mixer parties, work, or church, they will never become as familiar and comforting to us as the friends we already have. At least, that’s what Rogers and Parton imply in their song.

So is it true that we can’t make old friends?

What are the necessary criteria for an “old friend,” anyway?

There seems to be a general understanding among many of us that an old friend is some magical, serendipitous connection we form when the stars align just so — usually either on the playgrounds of elementary school or in the dorms of college.

It is true that deep and long-lived friendships are easier to make when we’re younger. But it’s far from the case that we are helpless and predestined for only a set amount of friends whom we meet during a set period in our lives. 

One of the reasons it can seem hard to “make old friends” later in life is simply because we don’t fully grasp the principles behind what creates a powerful, lasting friendship in the first place.

Old Friends Share a Sense of Purpose

The celebrated diarist Anaïs Nin wrote, “Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born.” ¹

Our friends in early life certainly help us discover those first new worlds, but who is to say our adventure ends there?

Each potential friend we meet – no matter at what stage of life – brings with them a rich array of experience, wisdom, and interests that converge with ours to create something new. Together we write a new chapter in each of our respective stories. So how do we find and make these kinds of friends in the first place?

It’s much easier to become old, trusted friends with someone when you have a shared purpose rather than simply a way to kill time together.

The answer is more art than science. No one can tell you where to look for your next best friend because the answer will depend on your lifestyle and interests. But there is an interesting phenomenon that I’ve noticed, both in my own life and in the lives of many people I’ve studied.

The phenomenon is this:

It’s much easier to become old, trusted friends with someone when you have a shared purpose rather than simply a way to kill time together.

I first discovered this almost accidentally, while reading the anecdotes of different scientists who were talking about their research projects.

What I found was that these people who were busy doing meaningful work had formed, in the process, very close and long-lasting friendships with others they collaborated with.

Take Daniel Kahneman, a Nobel prize-winning economist, who has described his friendship with colleague Amos Tversky in affectionate detail.

He and Tversky spent much of their working days together, often on long rambling walks where they would discuss the ideas and problems they were trying to solve. “Amos and I,” he writes, “enjoyed the extraordinary good fortune of a shared mind that was superior to our individual minds and of a relationship that made our work fun as well as productive.” ²

Robin Dunbar, himself a psychologist and a friendship expert, has observed that “friendships forged in the white-hot heat of science and student life can evidently last a lifetime.”  ³

Looking beyond the halls of science it’s not hard to find examples of politicians, activists, writers, artists, and others who met and have become old friends with each other well into adulthood because of their shared pursuits. (This list includes Rogers and Parton who we mentioned earlier.)

Here’s where you might object. “I’m not a famous writer or scientist who has the luxury of going for long walks! I’m just a ‘normal’ person trying to manage my busy life.”

Perhaps you feel that making old friends through your career or some other, deeper shared purpose sounds unrealistic or even romantic. But I invite you to consider the broader principle here:

Having a project, goal, or passion – whether at the professional level or as a hobby – opens the doors to meeting and collaborating with some of the most incredible minds (and souls) we’ll ever meet. 

Perhaps the real problem isn’t that it’s difficult to make old friends, but that we haven’t created the conditions in our lives that make it possible to discover them.

While watching Netflix together can be a legitimate bonding experience, the strongest foundations of a friendship are often built from having a shared purpose, values, and goals.

It can be as lofty as working on a research project or as humble as reading each other’s short stories. It might involve building tiny homes or discussing metaphysical mysteries of the universe during a phone call. What matters is that together you are growing and doing things.

Many of us are caught up in a series of both big and small urgent demands on a day-to-day basis. It’s hard to escape the numbing busyness of life, sometimes. But deep and lasting friendship is vital to our well-being. 

Perhaps the real problem isn’t that it’s difficult to make old friends, but that we haven’t created the conditions in our lives that make it possible to discover them.

There’s Still Enough Time to Make Old Friends

John Adams was forty and Thomas Jefferson was in his early thirties when they met for the first time at the Second Continental Congress in 1775.

Although they had shared interests as revolutionaries, Adams and Jefferson didn’t become good friends right away. In fact, for a while, they were political rivals (at one point they weren’t even on speaking terms). It was only after they both finished their time as president that they truly became close.

They wrote more than 150 letters to each other during their friendship, discussing everything from philosophy and religion to family, politics, death, and aging. They offered each other support and encouragement, both when things were going well in their lives and when things weren’t going so well.

On top of this, they also weren’t afraid to venture into areas that were controversial, or even where they disagreed. “You and I ought not to die before we have explained ourselves to each other,” Adams told his old friend near the conclusion of a letter in 1815. ⁴

In a poetic turn of fate, both of them passed away on the same day – July 4, 1826 – exactly 50 years after they had signed the Declaration of Independence together. They had been friends for more than half a century.

Jefferson and Adams are a case study in that you don’t have to be young or have everything in common to become old friends with someone. You don’t even have to live in the same place (although that certainly helps). What they did have in common was a passionate dedication to things that mattered, and that in turn drew them together despite rough patches.

While time is an important ingredient in making old friends, most of us have more time than we think. An acquaintance can become a new friend, who can in turn become an old friend. Old friendships that have been neglected can be dusted off and reactivated. Adams and Jefferson are proof that time and space can even help a friendship become stronger, not weaker.

When we want to make more friends, the obvious thing for most of us is to focus more on simply finding people.

But it’s very possible that the best (and oldest) friends you’ll ever have are the ones you inevitably find as you dedicate yourself to pursuing something in life that matters deeply to you. For Rogers and Parton, it was music. For Kahneman and Tversky, it was psychology. For Adams and Jefferson, it was liberty.

What might it be for you?

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1. Nin, A., & Stuhlmann, G. (Ed.). (1969). The Diary of Anaïs Nin, Vol. 1: 1931-1934. Mariner Books Classics. ISBN: 9780156260251
2. Kahneman, D. (2013). Thinking, Fast and Slow. Farrar, Straus and Giroux.
3. Dunbar, R. (2021). Friends: Understanding the Power of our Most Important Relationships. Little, Brown Book Group.
4. “John Adams to Thomas Jefferson, 15 July 1813, with Postscript from Abigail Adams to Thomas Jefferson, [ca. 15 July 1813],” Founders Online, National Archives.