Emily Dickinson and Thomas Wentworth Higginson.

Mark Twain and Nicola Tesla.

Herman Hesse and Thomas Mann.

This is just a tiny sampling of the long and decorated list of people throughout history who have kept their friendships going (and growing) despite spending much of their time apart. In some cases, like Dickinson and Higginson, they barely met in person at all. Yet their lives were all the richer for it.

Many of us see “long distance” as a negative thing for relationships.

The ideal scenario is to have your buddy live just down the street; to be able to spontaneously knock on their door and go out for dinner or help them fix their car. A big part of friendship for many of us is doing things together. This is natural, and we all need this to some extent.

Yet we can spend a lifetime side by side with a person we see every week and fail to help each other grow as individuals. We need physical proximity to others, but proximity itself doesn’t guarantee a fulfilling friendship.

On the other hand, I’ve come to discover this remarkable paradox:

Many of the strongest friendships in life are the ones that span not only time but distance.

I’ve studied many friendships marked by spatial divides. I’m astounded by the volume of letters and notes many of these authors, thinkers, and everyday people wrote to each other. Long-distance friendships may not be the “norm,” but they are hardly exceptional.

Here’s a simple explanation: the more effort you put into a friendship (especially when distance requires that extra effort), the more rewarding that friendship is for both of you.

Distance Can Make Your Friendship Stronger

When we spend time with someone only in person, it can be easy to take them for granted or associate them with a specific context.

When we choose to stay in touch long-distance, we’re forced to be much more intentional. 

There’s only so much “catching up” to do before we either run out of things to say or become more creative in the topics we explore. This turning point is where some of the deepest, most powerful friendships are forged.

In the summer of 1953, nature writer Rachel Carson was on a vacation in Southport Island, Maine when she met local resident Dorothy Freeman. Carson and Freeman quickly bonded over their love of writing, bird watching, and ocean life. Though they normally lived over 500 miles apart, they stayed in touch through frequent letters and occasional phone calls.

About a year after they met, Carson wrote in a letter to Freeman, “[I]t may well be that the enforced separation, and the necessity of writing instead of speaking, have contributed to the depth of love and understanding that have developed.” ¹

Writing letters, emails, or even talking on the phone requires us to think more about what’s on our minds, and which of those thoughts are worth sharing. We often need to be more direct – and better listeners – than when we’re “killing time” together in person. In their letters, Carson and Freeman not only shared their own thoughts but made an effort to understand the other person’s thoughts and feelings.

Our interactions with friends over long distances are also an opportunity to be more reflective about what we appreciate in each other. We don’t need to be as sentimental as Carson and Freeman were (almost every letter of theirs ended with some variation of, “I love you”) but when we express our appreciation, it brings us closer together.

Long-Distance Friendships Expand Your World

In 1971, literary novelist Eudora Welty was 62 years old. Mystery writer Ross MacDonald was 56. They had already written several letters to each other, but they instantly connected when they met face-to-face in the lobby of the Algonquin Hotel in New York City.

Welty and MacDonald were only able to spend a few days together in person before returning to separate parts of the country. But they resolved to keep their long-distance communication going.

In one of his earliest letters to Welty, MacDonald wrote:

“I feel an unaccustomed sorrow not being able to continue our friendship viva voce, and in the flesh, but these are the chances of life. But there is a deeper and happier chance which will keep us friends till death, don’t you believe? And we’ll walk and talk again.” ²

In a postscript below he added, “Meanwhile there are letters.” This sums up the essence of long-distance friendship: a combination of hope, loyalty, and the resolve to be friends despite the distance.

MacDonald and Welty could have easily decided that the effort of staying in touch wasn’t worth the bother. They were both middle-aged, led busy lives, and had plenty of other friends. But each of them saw something worth holding onto in the other. They were devoted friends for the next twelve years, up until MacDonald’s death.

If we limit our friendships to only those people who are geographically close to us, we’ll be poorer for it. Long distance is not ideal, but it opens us to a wider range of potential kindred spirits and a lot more paths to our personal growth.

Like MacDonald, we can hope for chances to see each other in person when we can. In the meantime, “there are letters” – and texts, phone calls, and video calls.

Long-Distance Friendship As a Source of Personal Growth

Carson and Freeman, Welty and MacDonald, and many others have used their long-distance friendships to encourage each other’s writing goals. Twain and Tesla bonded over their interest in technology. Plenty of people have stayed in touch long-distance to talk about art, philosophy, political activism, and anything else important to them.

The people who become old friends are not necessarily those who we meet in our youth, or who live in the same neighborhood. The deepest, most fulfilling friendships of all time are usually those that share common values and pursuits. There’s nothing about long distance that prevents two friends from helping each other develop when it comes to these pursuits.

Of course, it would be wonderful if all the smartest, most loyal, sensitive people you know lived within a 20-minute drive. For some lucky individuals, that may be the case.

For the rest of us, long-distance communication is not only a way to keep from losing our most valuable friends (and potential new friends); it’s one of the keys to helping us feel more loved, less isolated, and reach our fullest potential.

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1. Carson, R., Freeman, D. E., & Freeman, M. (Ed.). (2022). Always, Rachel: The Letters of Rachel Carson and Dorothy Freeman, 1952–1964. Open Road Media.
2. Marrs, S., & Nolan, T. (Eds.). (2015). Meanwhile There Are Letters: The Correspondence of Eudora Welty and Ross Macdonald. Arcade.