J.R.R. Tolkien and C.S. Lewis are two of the most famous fantasy authors to have ever lived. Collectively, their books have sold almost a billion copies. But when they met in 1926 at Oxford University, neither of them was famous. Or even particularly confident about their writing futures.

Tolkien was an introverted professor of Anglo-Saxon studies who disliked public speaking. Lewis was an outgoing lecturer of English literature who enjoyed socializing. What they found they had in common was an abiding love for mythology and stories.

They met each week to discuss their ideas and critique each other’s work. Eventually, they formed a literary circle of like-minded friends dubbed, “The Inklings.” Together they smoked pipes and enjoyed good food, drinks, and the edification of one another’s company.

Years later Tolkien said of Lewis:

“The unpayable debt that I owe to him was not ‘influence’ as it is ordinarily understood, but sheer encouragement. He was for long my only audience. Only from him did I ever get the idea that my ‘stuff’ could be more than a private hobby. But for his interest and unceasing eagerness for more I should never have brought the L. of the R. to a conclusion.”

Stop and think about that for a moment.

Tolkien, the godfather of hobbits, wizards, and the modern fantasy genre itself at one point in his life thought his “stuff” didn’t have the potential to be more than a “hobby” – but he kept on going because a good friend kept on encouraging him.

And the feeling was mutual. Lewis said of Tolkien:

“He was a friend, indeed probably my only friend, who had the same literary ambitions as myself and helped me a great deal with my work…I felt in fact that he had done so much for me that I ought to do something in return.”

There’s a good argument to be made that we might not have either The Chronicles of Narnia or The Lord of the Rings today if it weren’t for the sustaining, committed friendship between these two men.

Most of us aren’t aspiring epic fantasy authors, but most of us do have dreams, goals, and struggles. Most of us know from experience how much more meaningful life is and how much easier it is to think clearly and achieve our goals when we have sustaining friendships to support and help us.

So why do we so often fail to make friendship a bigger priority in life?

Sustaining Friendships Give Us Energy

Friendship is an interesting, sometimes weird concept.

Lewis himself understood this. “Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art,” he wrote in his book The Four Loves. “It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things which give value to survival.”

Friendship also requires volition and effort. Because we are usually so focused on “surviving” through life, we often put it on the back burner for things like:

• Work
• Family obligations
• Errands
• Meetings
• Destressing at home in front of the TV

Where does friendship fit into a busy, 21^st-century lifestyle? What does friendship look like?

The first problem is, in our hustle-bustle digital age “friendship” can be very loosely defined. You could consider dozens of people your friends who you barely know but who you feel like you know because you cross paths on Facebook.

Let’s stick to the unequivocal notion of a friend: a person who gets you, and who you get, and whose company is both comforting and edifying. (There are a million definitions you could give, but that’s mine).

The problem with not making time for this type of friendship in your life is that it’s like driving a car without ever rotating or changing out the tires: you can get through life just fine for months, maybe years, but when shit hits the fan you’re in danger of being stranded and alone. Even if you are lucky enough to be best friends with your partner, research suggests that having other good friends acts as a buffer when you experience conflict with your best friend.¹

The problem is, we humans are cursed with present bias.

We rationalize giving attention to things that are either easy or urgent, whether or not they’re actually important. We don’t set aside time for making new friends or for keeping up with old ones. We miss out on opportunities to relax, laugh, sing, dance, and be silly. ² Life meanwhile becomes more monotonous, more chaotic, and more absurd.

No, we don’t need deep and abiding friendship to literally survive. It’s not necessary in the same sense as eating food or having emergency surgery. But then again, neither are music, films, books, visual art, or meaningful conversations necessary for us to live day to day. The question is, without any of those things – most of all, friendship – is life worth surviving in the first place?

I think you’d need to be a pretty impassive person to answer “yes.” For the rest of us, the challenge is computing the importance of friendship enough to carve out precious time for it, despite the urgent demands in our workday lives.

Doing anything worthwhile in life is hard enough. It’s slightly less hard, and a whole lot more meaningful, when we have someone we can talk to about our projects, challenges, and dreams.

Let’s revisit the friendship between Tolkien and Lewis.

Not only did they help each other and derive enjoyment from being together; they energized each other. By talking, collaborating, and bouncing ideas off one another they reached heights they probably never would have on their own. They had a shared interest that led them to refine their skills, boost their careers (so to speak), and enjoy themselves in the process.

When trying to follow a dream, launch an initiative, or simply get through a tough time we can’t do it alone. Or if we do, we’re going against gravity like a skateboarder trying to ride a ten-foot wall: it’s possible, but much harder.

Doing anything worthwhile in life is hard enough. It’s slightly less hard, and a whole lot more meaningful, when we have someone we can talk to about our projects, challenges, and dreams.

Each of us needs someone in our life who will both encourage us and tell us the truth that no one else can (or will). These people are few and far between. Hold onto them like a springboard and you’re likely to see remarkable things happen in your life.

Friends Help Us Live Better and Longer

C.S. Lewis was a big-time advocate of friendship; he spent a lot of time exploring it. In The Four Loves he notes that “friendship is…the least natural of loves; the least instinctive, organic, biological, gregarious, and necessary.”

In other words, it takes special effort to cultivate friendship. It’s not impulsive like sexual drive or parental instinct. It requires us to be open to a totally new person coming into our lives – and then making the effort to keep them in it.

We live in a culture that values money, power, and “success” more than it does relationships (especially outside immediate family), so we’re encouraged to spend the precious energy and attention we do have on these things instead of on building and sustaining friendships with like-minded people who give energy back to us.

And that’s the irony of it:

Friends buffer us against the winds of adversity. They fill in the gaps that are missing when family members leave, die, or simply can’t give us what we need. They are in all likelihood the single greatest factor that keeps us from being miserable and dying early. ³

So even though it may take more effort at first, reach out to your closest friends whenever you get a chance. Make room for them in your life. Ask them for their opinion on something you’re working on. Find something to laugh together about.

Apparently, we need friends to survive after all.

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Read Next: Eudaimonia: A Better Word for “Happiness” →

1. Demir, M., Özdemir, M., & Weitekamp, L. A. (2007). Looking to happy tomorrows with friends: Best and close friendships as they predict happiness. Journal of Happiness Studies, 8(2), 243-271.
2. These recreational activities, in fact, helped us evolve to become the social creatures we are today — thanks to the oxytocin they produce. Dunbar, R. I. M. (2018). The Anatomy of Friendship. Trends in Cognitive Sciences, 22(1), 32–51.
3. Holt-Lunstad, J., Smith, T. B., & Layton, J. B. (2010). Social Relationships and Mortality Risk: A Meta-analytic Review. PLOS Medicine, 7(7), e1000316.