“The greatest thing in the world,” the philosopher Montaigne wrote in the 1570s, “is to know how to live to yourself.” ¹

Live to yourself is an interesting phrase. 

We’re familiar, of course, with “live by yourself.” Or the somewhat more negative-sounding “live for yourself.” Sometimes we even ironically talk about how to “live with yourself.”

What Montaigne is referring to is none of these.

Instead, he’s referring to a concept that many of us don’t even understand that well, and fewer of us yet ever achieve. One reason for this is that it’s a lifelong process. It’s also not easy to put into words, but I’ll do my best to make an initial attempt:

To live to yourself means to do the hard work of thinking and deciding what your values and beliefs are, and then to be consistent with those values and beliefs despite what anyone else– stranger, acquaintance, coworker, friend, or family member – may think. It means being able to trust yourself and be your own refuge throughout life.

It sounds like the right thing to do, on paper anyway, so why is it so hard?

The oversimplified answer is, “We’re not meant to live to ourselves.” 

We Are Tribal By Nature

A glance at human history and evolution will tell you that we tend to do much better when we’re in groups. We’re safer from enemies and we’re also less likely to starve to death. Agreeing to go along with the rest of the group and keeping some of our opinions to ourselves (or not having contrary opinions at all) is the price we pay for survival.

It’s not hard to see how this has carried forward into modern times: everything from pointless family traditions to partisan politics to crimes of humanity stems from this inborn drive to fit in with those who are like us and shun everything and everyone that is not. “Morality binds and blinds” us. ²

There’s a paradox here, however. Humans have the ability to understand and even override their tendencies. We can ask “Why?” We can question the point of our choices or the merit of our beliefs. 

Living to yourself does not mean living alone. It means being comfortable with holding a unique set of views and ideas that do not totally overlap with the views of any one person in your life.

This is good, but it’s not enough. Without deeper convictions, we can find ourselves simply trading one belief system or group of belonging for another as soon as it feels comfortable to do so. “I’ve found my tribe,” is an innocent expression we often use for this.

Alright, you might object, but we need acceptance from someone, right? We can’t all be monks wandering barefoot in the desert, cut off from all love and support.

You would be right, of course. But here comes another paradox: we can live to ourselves while still being loved and accepted by others. Most of us will not have to make physical sacrifices or extreme life changes. Living to yourself does not mean living alone. It means being comfortable with holding a unique set of views and ideas that do not totally overlap with the views of any one person in your life. Ideally, both you and those you love will each live to yourselves.

Two questions arise here: 

First, why is it important to live to yourself – especially when it involves more intention and effort? And secondly, how do we go about doing it?

Let’s start with why.

Integrity Is More Rewarding Than Acceptance

At first, it can feel like nothing matters more than fitting in. Anyone who’s survived the high school years knows this all too well.

But the person whose sense of security and identity depends on how well they are liked and accepted by others (especially those who don’t know them personally) will always be insecure in life. They will be afraid to speak their true thoughts in a meeting or write their honest opinions in an online article. They may not even be sure what their true thoughts are in the first place.

“We stifle our doubts and follow the flock because we cannot conceive of ourselves as pioneers of hitherto unknown, difficult paths,” notes philosopher Alain de Botton.³ Being independent-minded isn’t just for heavyweights like Socrates, Schopenhauer, or Martin Luther King Jr. Each of us can question what people around us are saying and doing, and use our critical thinking and personal conscience to chart a new course.

As we question, think, ponder, observe, and weave a personal tapestry of our opinions and convictions – and stand by those convictions – we will respect ourselves more. Whether or not we live to ourselves, we have to live with ourselves, and it’s easier to live with ourselves when we put truth above convenience.

Ralph Waldo Emerson understood this well, writing almost two hundred years ago: “Nothing can bring you peace but yourself. Nothing can bring you peace but the triumph of principles.” ⁴

Maya Angelou understood this too, when she told an interviewer in 1973, “You only are free when you realize you belong no place — you belong every place — no place at all. The price is high. The reward is great.” ⁵

Living to Yourself Requires Bravery

To begin to live to yourself requires a sense of adventure and enthusiasm if you’re to withstand the doubt and inner loneliness that pops in from time to time. It requires effort and bravery.

Brené Brown, author and podcaster, uses the imagery of a wilderness to describe the state of living to ourselves. The wilderness is indeed a fitting metaphor: it represents both potential danger and hardship as well as exhilarating beauty and freedom; pain and reward. She even coined her own term for it: “braving the wilderness”:

“Belonging to ourselves means being called to stand alone – to brave the wilderness of uncertainty, vulnerability, criticism. And with the world feeling like a political and ideological combat zone, this is remarkably tough.” ⁶

In her book (also called Braving the Wilderness) Brown gives plenty of examples of this concept in action: people on both left and right sides of the aisle showing frustration with her for taking a nuanced view on a hot-button topic. Corporate leaders asking her to “tone down” her spirituality. Spiritual leaders asking her to “tone down” her cussing.

By not fitting into a neat box, Brown has managed to ruffle the feathers of people in almost every category you could think of, but she doesn’t do it to be contrarian; she does it because she wants to stay true to her principles and do what makes sense and what’s right – at least, what’s right as far as she can tell.

Just like with any skill, living to yourself – braving the wilderness – gets easier with practice. It may not ever become easy per se but it can become a part of our natures. The more we practice philosophy and question and engage the world around us, the happier we’ll be in our own company and the more resilient we’ll be in the face of whatever comes.

As Emerson puts it:

“It is easy in the world to live after the world’s opinion; it is easy in solitude to live after our own; but the great man is he who in the midst of the crowd keeps with perfect sweetness the independence of solitude.”  ⁷

The figurative wilderness we must brave is not the same thing as actual solitude. We can’t make the world a better place if we hide from it. Living to ourselves requires vigilance, integrity, curiosity, and courage.

The price is high, but the reward is great.

***

Read Next: Why We Need Philosophy (More Than Ever) →

1. Montaigne, M. de. (1994). The Essays: A Selection (M. A. Screech, Ed. & Trans.). Penguin Classics.
2. An excellent book that describes this entire concept in researched depth is The Righteous Mind, by Jonathan Haidt.
3. De Botton, A. (2013). The Consolations of Philosophy. Vintage.
4. From his essay, Self-Reliance.
5. From “A Conversation With Maya Angelou”
6. Brown, B. (2017). Braving the Wilderness: The Quest for True Belonging and the Courage to Stand Alone. Random House.
7. Self-Reliance.